January 2012
13 posts
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“It doesn’t get much more personal than I play bass like a busted vagina. I...”
– Ryan. Wilfred.
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I can see clearly. Almost.
I popped into my local optometrist a while ago to stock up on some contact lenses. I’m always rewarded for my loyalty with the dumbest twit who works there.
She never reads my prescription correctly and always pulls the wrong lenses down off the shelf. There are three numbers, lady. You match the numbers in the prescription to the box. Think of it as a game of bingo, but instead of a frozen...
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Unfinished.
A junkie took up the spare seat next to me on the train recently and started knocking out a text message on his phone. Ten minutes later, he was still going.
The carriage was filled with deafening intermittent key tones, followed by silence as his head nodded forward in a heroin induced stupor in between writing sessions. I snuck a peek at his screen, he had only tapped out 6 words.
I had to...
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“Now Andre, do you see yourself more as like a rapist who does magic or a...”
– Ruxin. The League.
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No. I don't want a photo. Piss off.
I haven’t had a good photo taken of me since 2006.
After every shot I try to sneak a peek straight off the camera. This may appear vain to others, but my hope one day is to not see the creature from the black lagoon staring back at me.
I always look somewhere in between “mildly depressed” and “alien who is wearing my body as a second skin and is trying to understand...
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Berated.
A beastly tracksuit clad ‘woman’ confronted me in a local shopping centre car park two weeks ago. When she pulled out of her parking spot without looking, an instinctive brake slam saved me a smashed bonnet and the cost it would have incurred. Neither was on my wish list for Christmas.
She took her sweet time to turn and be on her merry way, probably because she couldn’t operate the...
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“What if she were to put a jelly bean on a chair, sit down, and when she stands...”
– Jon Hamm. Saturday Night Live.
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The place to be
When I rang my doctor to schedule an appointment recently, the surly receptionist made like she was doing me a favour by slotting me in. They were all booked out, I was lucky to get a spot. Allegedly.
On the ride over to the doctors office a week later, I hit the school finish rush. A quick trip disintegrated into a car park, I was sweating bullets, I wasn’t going to make it. My slot...
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This is PMS
Leaving work to catch my train home, a proud grandmother led her grandson around the corner and down the stairwell. She didn’t think to let me pass and I wasn’t going to earn points knocking over an infant, so I waited politely.
I waited politely on all 29 steps as we worked our pain staking way down to the bottom.
A headache I’d been nursing was shoved into migraine territory...