January 2012
13 posts
3 tags
“It doesn’t get much more personal than I play bass like a busted vagina. I...”
– Ryan. Wilfred.
1 tag
2 tags
3 tags
5 tags
I can see clearly. Almost.
I popped into my local optometrist a while ago to stock up on some contact lenses. I’m always rewarded for my loyalty with the dumbest twit who works there.
She never reads my prescription correctly and always pulls the wrong lenses down off the shelf. There are three numbers, lady. You match the numbers in the prescription to the box. Think of it as a game of bingo, but instead of a frozen...
3 tags
7 tags
Unfinished.
A junkie took up the spare seat next to me on the train recently and started knocking out a text message on his phone. Ten minutes later, he was still going.
The carriage was filled with deafening intermittent key tones, followed by silence as his head nodded forward in a heroin induced stupor in between writing sessions. I snuck a peek at his screen, he had only tapped out 6 words.
I had to...
4 tags
“Now Andre, do you see yourself more as like a rapist who does magic or a...”
– Ruxin. The League.
4 tags
No. I don't want a photo. Piss off.
I haven’t had a good photo taken of me since 2006.
After every shot I try to sneak a peek straight off the camera. This may appear vain to others, but my hope one day is to not see the creature from the black lagoon staring back at me.
I always look somewhere in between “mildly depressed” and “alien who is wearing my body as a second skin and is trying to understand...
4 tags
Berated.
A beastly tracksuit clad ‘woman’ confronted me in a local shopping centre car park two weeks ago. When she pulled out of her parking spot without looking, an instinctive brake slam saved me a smashed bonnet and the cost it would have incurred. Neither was on my wish list for Christmas.
She took her sweet time to turn and be on her merry way, probably because she couldn’t operate the...
3 tags
“What if she were to put a jelly bean on a chair, sit down, and when she stands...”
– Jon Hamm. Saturday Night Live.
5 tags
The place to be
When I rang my doctor to schedule an appointment recently, the surly receptionist made like she was doing me a favour by slotting me in. They were all booked out, I was lucky to get a spot. Allegedly.
On the ride over to the doctors office a week later, I hit the school finish rush. A quick trip disintegrated into a car park, I was sweating bullets, I wasn’t going to make it. My slot...
4 tags
This is PMS
Leaving work to catch my train home, a proud grandmother led her grandson around the corner and down the stairwell. She didn’t think to let me pass and I wasn’t going to earn points knocking over an infant, so I waited politely.
I waited politely on all 29 steps as we worked our pain staking way down to the bottom.
A headache I’d been nursing was shoved into migraine territory...
November 2011
9 posts
3 tags
“I think I am also a donkey. I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but...”
– Man claims prostitute turned into a donkey
2 tags
2 tags
“Spending an hour googling adaptations of Sad Keanu is both a source of immense...”
1 tag
5 tags
Subjective.
A few friends and I stopped by to check out a sculpture installation before our dinner reservation. Normally I don’t set foot near these gatherings because I’m allergic to douche bags, but I was surprised to find most of the artworks impressive.
That is until we came upon one that looked a giant arsehole. Or an intestinal tract full of shit depending on where you were standing. My...
8 tags
An orangutan named BamBam
Last Wednesday, after heavy thunderstorms caused trains to be delayed for over an hour, I did what any passenger would do, I began to reflect on Passions.
Passions was a 2001 soap opera that soon became a source of immense joy for me. I thought Big Love was full of twists and turns, but they have yet to feature a story line involving an intersexual who becomes pregnant with his own...
4 tags
4 tags
Straight shooter.
While watching an episode of “Who do you think you are?” the featured celebrity sat down with his elderly aunt. He showed her a few photos that he had tracked down of her mother and they had a chat before he enquired:
“Alot of people said she was an attractive women, would you say that? Would you say she was an attractive woman?”
His elderly aunt replied: “No, I...
6 tags
Me not know words good.
A friend was sharing a gripping tale about the day she saw somebody eating an icecream and started salivating. Except she couldn’t pronounce the word salivating and went with ‘slaviating’. Another friend suggested ‘salvitating’ to which she replied, ‘salvalating’?
I came to the rescue with ‘salivating’. I was the hero of the day. They both...
October 2011
8 posts
3 tags
3 tags
You learn something new every day.
I dropped the term ‘spank bank’ into a conversation at a friends afternoon tea and was met with looks of bewilderment. From everyone.
“Spank bank? What’s that?”
“I’ve never heard of it.”
It was my turn to wear a look of bewilderment. How could they not know what that was? I tried my best to explain it without sounding like a seasoned prostitute...
4 tags
4 tags
“Don’t abuse your sampling privilege, she abused her sampling...”
– Larry David. Curb your enthusiasm.
2 tags
4 tags
Can I get a lift?
This is a message I received from a friend. A friend who is allergic to driving. A friend who’s main objective when we organise a get together is to push for it to be held at her house so she doesn’t have to make the effort to move. She is a sloth.
This time she didn’t succeed. I grumbled to another friend and asked if I should tell her to fuck off. I didn’t do that. I curtly replied: “Yes”.
...
1 tag
“Randolph suggests that a pigeon flies by and shits on his nosy wife’s...”
– Trapped in the closet
3 tags
Eat shit.
That’s what it means when you don’t respond to someone’s text message.
I wished you a happy birthday and you couldn’t be bothered to lift your precious little fingers and tap out a measly 8 buttons to form the word ‘Thank you’?
I imagine it would thieve excessive amounts of time and energy from your day, so on second thought I do comprehend the immense...
August 2011
9 posts
2 tags
2 tags
2 tags
3 tags
Memorable
Three months ago I rented a DVD, watched it and returned it. Two months ago I rented the same DVD, having forgotten that I’d rented it.
I still to this day can’t recall the movie title let alone what it was about. It had Al Pacino in it.
I think.
4 tags
Shut your face hole.
At a recent girly catch up, five out of six hours were spent listening to just one woman. She doesn’t know how close she came to a leftover muffin plugging up her fat mouth.
Every so often, someone would attempt to snatch an unguarded lull in the conversation, but alas…hopes were soon dashed. With every stab at freedom, I held my breath…would they make it? Could they really do it?
BAM....
5 tags
You win this round, wind.
While standing on the train platform yesterday, I pulled my last tissue out of my bag. It slipped through my fingers, and was whisked away by a conveniently timed wind.
I followed it like an ape, stooping over to pick it up only to have the wind snatch it from my grasp each time. I was taunted by this barbaric game the entire length of the platform. I angrily plucked it a heartbeat before it...
2 tags
“Hot dogs never turn out to be a good idea.”
– Note to self
6 tags
Like, how can you be alive and dead.
Girl 1: Yeah and I hate that saying, like, feeling goosebumps when someone walks over your grave, because, like, you're not even dead or in the grave, but you're alive and stuff.
Girl 2: I know.
Girl 1: And like, how can you be alive and dead at the same time...
Girl 2: Yeah.
Girl 1: Like, maybe if you had organs and they were like, in someone else and you were like dead but your organs are like, alive and then that person like, could get goosebumps and then you're dead.
Girl 2: Are you an organ donor?
Girl 1: No, I don't know how to become one, I like don't even have a license.
Girl 2: You should sign up.
Girl 1: Yeah, but like, I don't know, but...like, hey...it's pretty hard and stuff. But like, that saying is so stupid. Did I like, tell you about that how my uncle was Santa and all the kids knew who he was and he didn't like fool them!
Girl 2: No.
5 tags
Fragments
While cleaning out my email yesterday I came across the strangest message I had sent to a friend about five years ago. I can’t find the original and I have a feeling I didn’t get a response.
Why is this tune stuck in my head? Yes I want to go to the linen party. Do you? Your old doctor is an arsehole. Did your mum give you the wart cream?
WTF?
July 2011
62 posts
2 tags
3 tags
The Amazing Race Australia
Tom: That's a bagel right there.
Matt: What does it do?
Tom: What do you mean? It's food.
2 tags
4 tags
“You say radon is silent but deadly and then you expect me not to make farting...”
– Michael Scott - The Office
6 tags
Dick in a leather jacket
An old man in a leather jacket startled me this morning when he stuck his fat disheveled face in my open car window and said ”It’s three demerit points for being over the pedestrian lines you fucking madman.”
I wasn’t over the pedestrian lines. Even if I had been, there was adequate space for him to pass so clearly someone was on their period. After I called him an...
4 tags
“You did! You told us you loved him. We wouldn’t lie to you.”
– Friends trying to convince me I had a crush on Arnold Schwarzenegger when I was 13.
4 tags
Discombobulated.
I’ve never used this word in a sentence nor heard it in conversation, although I’ve seen it peppered through several articles I’ve skimmed through this past week.
The themes ranged from dodgy accountants, emission trading schemes, choreographed dance pieces, to the effects of fame and tennis.
It looks like the most popular word in town at the moment, yet I can’t bring...
1 tag
4 tags
Just cross the road.
As I hurried to work one morning, a cat sat on the footpath staring at me. It’s eyes widened the closer I got, I could hear it’s little brain ticking over trying to establish if I was a threat.
Seeing as my port of call lay straight ahead, I had no choice but to continue, so the cat obviously landed on ‘threat’ as a final decision. It legged it off down the exact same path...
4 tags
“Some grot vomited in the train carriage today. There should be carriages...”
– Grossed out.
3 tags
